School Wars: A Star Wars Parody

I just couldn’t help myself. I’m sorry.

ON SCREEN TEXT: Not long ago, in a school district nearby…

A dramatic sting plays.

ON SCREEN TEXT: School Wars

Rousing adventure music plays.

ON SCREEN TEXT: Day 14: A New Arrival

Young substitute teacher, Jake Applegate, arrives at FDR Elementary School. He believes it’ll be another standard day, but he learns he has a far greater destiny…

INT. TEACHER’S LOUNGE, DAY

JAKE APPLEGATE, a substitute teacher, takes a moment to drink some coffee. Suddenly, he hears the sound of squeaking wheels. He faces the door. Standing in the doorway is the infamous and powerful AUDIO VICTOR. The squeaking sound came from his AV cart.

AUDIO VICTOR:

It is time. Time to take you to The Principal. He will finish your training.

JAKE:

I’ve heard of you from the students. You’ll never turn me.

AUDIO VICTOR:

If you only knew the power of the pop quiz.

JAKE:

I’ll never join your ranks.

AUDIO VICTOR:

Yes, you will. I am your teaching assistant.

JAKE:

No! It isn’t true!

AUDIO VICTOR:

You know it to be true. Search your lesson plan.

EXT. PLAYGROUND WASTELANDS, DAY

Jake manages to escape the clutches of Audio Victor, but soon finds himself lost among the deserted lands of the playground wastelands. Not long into his journey he encounters a band of traveling trading card enthusiasts. The fans have made debate student CAL PLOTZ III and gamer RUDY2KNIGHT their slaves. Jake challenges the trading card players. If he wins, the students go free; if he loses, he joins their slave ranks. Fortunately, Jake wins easily. Soon after the match, Jake learns that Rudy2Knight has a message for SUPERINTENDENT JONES from CLASS PRESIDENT LACY. The message accidentally plays when Rudy2Knight sits down and butt dials it.

LACY:

Help me, Superintendent Jones, you’re my only hope.

JAKE:

I don’t know any Superintendent Jones. I do know a Janitor Jones–maybe they’re related.

INT. COMMAND CENTER, DAY

Lacy, soon after texting her message to Rudy2Knight, is captured by Audio Victor. She is then taken to the command center of The Principal’s secret playground base. FIRST TEACHER’S PET HENRY, commander of the Administration’s army of Halltroopers, interrogates her.

HENRY:

Tell us the location of the Class Disruptors’ base or we will use the full power of this battle fort. The Gold Star has the power to fail the entirety of Miss Smith’s third grade class.

LACY:

You can’t!

HENRY:

Watch us.

LACY:

(Sighs) They’re in room one-eighteen.

HENRY:

Excellent. (to Gold Star operators) Target Miss Smith’s class.

LACY:

No! You promised!

HENRY:

You are far too trusting, Class President.

INT. JANITOR’S CLOSET, DAY

JANITOR JONES has rescued Jake, Rudy2Knight, and Cal Plotz III from the Cool Kids–the heroes inadvertently crossed into their territory. After Rudy2Knight plays the message, Jones reveals that he is Superintendent Jones and was once part of the EDUCATOR ORDER and served as part of the SCHOOL BOARD until the night The Principal attacked.

JONES:

The Educators were once a force for peace and learning. Now, we are nearly extinct. (Jones hands Jake a small device. Jake activates it. A large, glowing ruler appears.) It is called a foam ruler, a tool used by the Educators. It is more elagent and less random than a spitball blaster. This one belonged to your TA until he was destroyed by the dark side of The Curriculum.

INT. HALLWAYS OF FDR ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, DAY

Jones, Jake, Rudy2Knight, and Cal Plotz III are in need of transport if they wish to aid Class President Lacy. They figure their best option is the quad area. On their way they are stopped by Halltroopers.

TROOPER 1:

We’re looking for a couple of fugitive dweebs. We need to see your hall passes.

JONES:

You don’t need to see our hall passes. These are not the dweebs you are looking for.

TROOPER 1 (addressing the other Halltroopers):

We don’t need to see their hall passes. These aren’t the dweebs we are looking for. Move along.

JAKE (in shock):

How did you do that?

JONES:

Old Educator mind trick. (smiles) The more you are in tune with the Curriculum the less students question you.

INT. STUDENT QUAD AREA

The quad area, a fun-loving nest of cliques and gossip, is filled with variety of people. A band plays music while some check their social media feeds. Jake and Jones will find sutable aid here. Unfortunately, dweebs such as Cal Plotz III and Rudy2Knight are not allowed and they must wait nearby. Jones and Jake soon meet SAM SOLOACT, a class clown, and his friend MEATHEAD, a football jock.

JONES:

Is your transport fast?

SAM:

Fast? Listen, pal, my vehicle can make the science to gym passing period in a minute thirty-one.

A deal is struck between the two parties. Sam and Meathead remain while Jones and Jake leave to make preparations.

SAM:

This is great, Meat! With this charter, we can finally pay off Bubba the Bully.

MEATHEAD:

Blue 22!

Sam’s victory is short lived as the snitch GLEN arrives to collect the bounty on Sam’s head: 20 jawbreakers. Luckily, Sam dispatches Glen with a well placed spitball from his blaster.

EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT, DAY

Jones, Jake, Rudy2Knight, and Cal Plotz III meet up with Sam and Meathead. Sam introduces the group to his golf cart known as the Eon Hawk. The heroes begin boarding but are soon caught by Bubba’s snitches. Sam turns the key to the golf cart as the snitches pelt it with rocks and spitballs from their slingshots.

MEATHEAD:

Hike! Hike!

SAM:

I know, Meat, I’ll fix the engine tomorrow!

Finally, the golf cart turns over and the heroes flee. The speed of the golf cart is too much for the snitches and they break off their attack.

EXT. PLAYGROUND, DAY

The Eon Hawk escapes the clutches of Bubba the Bully but encounters a group of weeping students. The students of Miss Smith’s class mummer things like, “My parents are going to kill me.” The heroes are confused by the sight.

SAM:

We’ll head for that jungle gym and regroup.

JONES:

That’s no jungle gym.

It is the Gold Star. A large piece of playground equipment meant to look like a jungle gym but more solid and mobile.

SAM:

I bet that’s where we’ll find the class president.

INT. GOLD STAR, DAY

Jake, Sam, Meathead, Rudy2Knight, and Cal Plotz III are able to save Class President Lacy from Detention thanks to Jones deactivating the security features. The group makes their way to the Eon Hawk. Meanwhile, Jones encounters Audio Victor. The two activate their foam rulers and begin their duel. Soon the duel leads them to where the Eon Hawk is parked and to the band of heroes.

AUDIO VICTOR:

You have no hope of defeating me, Old Man.

JONES:

If you flunk me, I will only rise smarter than you can imagine.

Jake moves to help Jones. Jones signals Jake not to interfere. Jones is slapped on the wrists with the ruler.

JAKE:

NOOO! JONES!

Sam and Meathead pull Jake away.

EXT. PLAYGROUND, DAY

After escaping the Gold Star, the heroes are chased by a squad of food fighters. To escape they have no choice but to cross the blacktop where a game of dodgeball is underway.

CAL:

The odds of successfully maneuvering a dodgeball field are one in a million.

SAM:

Never tell me the odds, dweeb. Punch it, Meat!

INT. ROOM 1C, THE CLASS DISRUPTORS’ BASE, DAY

The heroes meet up with the Class Disruptors. Thanks to the rest of the text message on Rudy2Knight’s phone, the Disruptors are able to learn of a weakness in the Gold Star.

DISRUPTOR LEADER:

A single gumball missile into the vent system will destroy the super-weapon.

SAM:

That’s a suicide mission. The vent opening is too small for someone to hit.

The heroes prepare their assault. They prep their slingshot mop buckets, their Segways, scooters, and skateboards. They arm themselves with gumball missiles, slingshot rubber bands, and spitballs. Moments later, the Disruptors learn that the Administration discovered Lacy’s lie about the base’s location and tracked the Eon Hawk to Room 1C. The Gold Star was almost visible from the classroom windows.

EXT. GOLD STAR, DAY

The battle is tougher than expected. Anyone who tries to fire on the vents fails or is nailed with detention slips. Only Jake is left without marks on his permanent record. It pays to be a teacher. Jake makes his run on the Gold Star vent.

JONES (ghostly VO via a video message):

Use the chalk, Jake.

DISRUPTOR PILOT:

Is something wrong, Jake? You’ve turned off the targeting app on your smartphone.

Jake uses a slingshot to launch a piece of chalk into the Gold Star’s ventilation system. The chalk breaks apart sending a cloud of dust throughout the Gold Star. The Halltroopers and Teacher’s Pets choke on the dust. One Halltrooper stumbles and accidentally presses the self-destruct button. The Gold Star is destroyed in a burst of confetti and whipped cream.

INT. MIKE’S MALT SHOP, NIGHT

The Class Disruptors celebrate their victory. It is ice cream, malts, and banana splits all around.

END.

Whew, that was a long one. Hope you enjoyed it.

Until the next wormhole…thanks for reading!


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TextTales | Random

I was coming up with keywords for an upcoming blog post when I came up with “text tales” which of course made me start singing (to the DuckTales theme song):

Life is like a hurricane

Here on the Internet

Phishing, scams, and follows

It’s a meme blur.

Might make a video

Or finally hit trending

TextTales, whoo-hoo!

Everyday we’re out here making content, for you.

I blame my punny mood on the news about MAD Magazine no longer being on newsstands. They just had to mention “Weird Al” Yankovic.