parody

S2: E5: Holiday Special

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Click.

“Sir, this is Jack Frost, we have a situation. Carolers have taken over Plaza Pointe.”

“What are their demands?” the chief asked via the walkie-talkie.

“Figgy pudding, Sir, a lot of figgy pudding.”

We’ll return to Play Hard after these messages.

Click.

We now return you to Frosty, The Axe Man.

The kids were told not to play on the ancient burial ground, but they didn’t listen. They built a snowman and…

There must have been a curse upon that old hatchet they found.

For when they tied it to his branch, he begun to chase them down.

Oh! Frosty, the Axe Man, was a murderous soul they say.

With a bloody axe and gleeful grin, he’d cut you down to size.

Click.

“Where is OtherTime?” asked the girl.

Kevin Kronos pointed out the open window. “Fourth star on the left of Orion’s Belt and straight on till yesterday.”

“But how do we get there?”

“Faster than light travel, of course.”

“Huh?”

“Just obsess over a regret.”

“Any regret?” said the girl’s brother. “Like losing the big game?”

“Or yelling at a friend?” said the girl.

“That,” said Kevin, “and some tachyon particles.”

Click.

Once again it is time for that timeless holiday classic How The Grump Stole Everything.

Everyone in The City loved the winter fest, but The Grump did not. After years of bullying, mind games, and not being invited to join in the festivities, The Grump decided to steal the festival.

Late at night, The Grump sneaked into everyone’s homes. He not only stole their decorations, food, and presents, he stole their TVs and money and computer tablets.

Once done with his dastardly trick, he took the stuff to the dump to incinerate it. As he reached the dump, dawn started to break. He paused to enjoy their woeful cries. Instead, he heard the sounds of joy and of cheer. It was then The Grump learned the true meaning of the winter festival.

He quickly returned to The City. He confessed to the crime and explained his reasoning. The Citizens thanked him then locked him away—he’d broken the law after all.

To this day as The Citizens sing and shop, you can hear The Grump weep and wail from his jail cell.

The end.

Click.

A Dalmatian barked and howled and pointed over the edge of the catwalk.

“What is it, Rexxie?” said the power plant worker. “Did Sammy fall down the reactor well again.”

The Dalmatian snorted out a nod.

The worker got on his walkie-talkie. “We gotta shut down the plant. Sammy fell into the reactor well again.”

A voice come over the radio. “At least, we can plug him in once we find him.”

Click.

Once upon a time at the North Pole, there lived a reindeer with a very red nose.

Rudolph was teased endlessly by the other reindeer for his shiny, red nose. However one day, the laughter stopped as they realized his red nose was a symptom of a new strain of reindeer flu. Soon the disease spread across the North Pole, and by Christmas everyone had stuffy red noses.

Thanks to Rudolph, Santa was unable to make his rounds. He had to order and ship everything through a little known online shop. Thousands of packages were delivered by drone to all the children of the world. When everyone saw how much more efficient drones were, everyone started shopping at MasterMart. Rudolph’s red nose kept the business in the black that year. In fact, the company was able to grow and expand.

Rudolph saved Christmas and the global economy. He paved the way for a much more commercial and material Christmas. You really will go down in history, Rudolph.

This has been Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Plague Carrier, a MasterMart production.

Click.

I turned off the holo-screen. I sighed. “Why is there never anything good on during Christmas time?”

Follow Joe Rover on Amazon for more sci-fi fantasy stories.

The Admin of I/O (Wizard of Oz Parody)

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Here we go again, folks, another parody. This time it’s The Wizard of Oz.

After clicking on a bad link, Dot and her virtual companion, Pixels, woke in a strange land filled with strange people.

“Pixels, I don’t think we’re on our LAN anymore,” Dot said upon seeing the Binaries, a race of people where some were over 6-feet tall and some were about 4-feet tall.

The Binaries were eternally grateful to Dot for killing the evil Lord of Memes, even if it was by accident. Upon her arrival, she’d smushed the man, ironically, by dropping a TrentTroll meme video on him. When Dot looked at the body, it derezzed into a pile of pixel blocks leaving only his UltraCorp haptic gear. To thank Dot, the Binaries gave Dot the haptic suit. After putting on the gloves, vest, and goggles, a bright light appeared among the group. It belonged to Jessie the Good Coder. Years ago Jessie left UltraCorp in order to become an independent program designer.

Jessie told Dot that if she wanted to return home she would have to speak with the Awesome Admin of I/O. “All you have to do is follow the blue secure hyperlink,” Jessie said pointing to the blue, paved road.

After a brief song that we can’t go into here because of copyright reasons, Dot thanked the coder and the Binaries and began her journey. Along the way, she met the Influencer. He believed that if he could only understand the algorithm his content could go viral. Dot suggested that he come with her to meet the Admin.

Soon Dot and her friends arrived in the Glitch Forest, home of all the bugs and glitches found in cyberspace. Some of the glitch trees attacked Dot, Pixels, and the Influencer. Thankfully, they were rescued by Bot-X1, a bot once used by UltraCorp to promote product and make the company seem more popular than they really were. Bot-X1 was shelved after people continually outed him as a bot. Bot-X1 believed if he could only get an emotion core he could appear more human-like. Once again Dot, suggested joining her, Pixels, and the Influencer on their journey to meet the Admin.

Unfortunately, this is when the Crooked Coder for Corporations appeared. She would stop at nothing to get the haptic gear that once belonged to the Lord of Memes. With the much more advanced system, her coding powers would be unstoppable. Fortunately, our heroes managed to escape, but they soon found themselves in the Dark Web Forest.

“We must be careful,” warned the Influencer. “The Dark Web is filled with scammers and hackers.”

“And trolls,” Bot-X1 added.

“Scammers and hackers and trolls, oh my,” said Dot.

As the friends ventured more into the forest, the darker it got. They then heard a noise. Someone was following them. A figure jumped out in front of them. It was the Honest Insurance Salesman. He’d been trying for years to get his business off the ground; but for some odd reason, people found him untrustworthy.

“If only I had a verification certificate then people would know I’m not a scammer,” said the Salesman.

Dot, the Influencer, and Bot-X1 were a little skeptical about letting an insurance salesman join them–especially one found in the Dark Web; but after he preformed a heartfelt song, Dot decided that he should be given a chance; she invited him to join their quest to meet the Admin.

Finally, the heroes exited the forest and found themselves only a few miles from Cloud Storage City. Their arrival, however, didn’t go unnoticed. The Crooked Coder, using her malware spy program, watched as the heroes approached the city. She knew if she didn’t do something soon, they would be out of reach. She reached out and infected the fields around the city with pop-up ads. The pop-up ads slowed the progress of the heroes as they fought the onslaught of annoying ads. Luckily, Jessie was also watching the progress of the heroes and sent a pop-up blocker.

With the pop-ups gone, the heroes entered the city where they finally met the Admin. The mystical floating head told them he could only return them once they brought him the CPU of the Crooked Coder. The heroes were not happy about this news but continued on their quest.

Not long after leaving the city, the Crooked Coder sent her viruses to capture the heroes. They were brought before the Crooked Coder. When Dot refused to give her the haptic gear, she threatened to hack into the Influencer’s account and post scandalous videos that would get the Influencer “canceled.”

“Don’t do it!” cried her three friends.

“She’ll be too powerful!” said the Influencer.

“Quiet you!” said the Coder. She then infected the Influencer. He started to fade away.

Seeing the only thing nearby was a bucket of comments, Dot threw it towards the Influencer. She’d hope that the comments would strengthen him. She believed that the comments were friendly ones, full of well-wishes and praise, but they were in fact the comments that sprang from haters. Thankfully, Dot missed and got the Crooked Coder instead. She was doused in hate comments.

“NO!” cried the Coder. “What a realm! What a realm that my malicious acts be undone by those more negative than me!” The Coder collapsed into a series of pixels.

Dot and friends returned to Cloud Storage City with the CPU. Unfortunately, the Crooked Coder’s CPU was incompatible with the Admin’s system and therefore useless. It looked like all hope was lost. They would never get what they wanted. But Dot gave an inspirational speech to her friends telling them how valued they were not for the number of followers they had but for who they were. She told them they were true and honest friends. It then got better as the Admin informed the Influencer that he could give him the secrets of the algorithm. He also could give Bot-X1 emotion programing. Finally, the Salesman got his verification. But, he could not return Dot to her home.

At this point, Pixels turned on the Admin’s facecam and revealed that he was really a human with a light pink shirt, acid-wash jeans, and a mullet. Turned out he was a programmer from the 1980s. He got stuck here after some bad coding.

With things looking really bleak, Jessie the Good Coder returned. She informed Dot that she could have left anytime. She just needed to log out of the haptic system.

“Why didn’t you say that in the first place?” said Dot.

“If I had done that then you wouldn’t have this story to post to social media.”

“It’s kinda long for Birdsong,” said Dot.

“Then put it on a blog,” Jessie said in an annoyed “duh” voice. She cleared her throat and became sweet again. “You just need to say the password: there’s no place like homepage.”

“Will I ever see you again?” asked Dot.

“Sure. If you remember to follow us and leave a review on YIP.”

“Wait a minute. Was all of this a simulation?”

“No time for that now. Say the password.”

“There’s no place like homepage,” said Dot. “There’s no place like homepage.”

Until the next wormhole…thanks for reading!

Grazer: A Ghostbusters Parody

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The things I do to avoid editing. The following is a parody of the first Ghostbusters movie.

When there’s something bland in the neighborhood, who’re gonna call?

Food Fighters!

***

EXT: Apartment roof, Night

A giant tomato, Grazer, growls at the team of Food Fighters. 

Grilled Cheese Warrior: I thought Grazer was a giant broccoli!

Rocket Ravioli: It can be whatever it wants.

Grilled Cheese Warrior: What do we do?

Captain Heartburn: I have an idea. Go get it, PP.

Pasta Patroller gulps then approaches the sentient tomato.

Pasta Patroller: As a representative of the Newton School for Culinary Arts, I demand you halt this invasion and return to your dimension of origin.

Grazer: Are you a chef?

Pasta Patroller: No.

Grazer: Then BROIL!

The team is hit by high-energy beams and knocked back.

***

Grazer: Choose the form of the Destructor.

Pasta Patroller: We don’t understand.

Captain Heartburn: I get it. Whatever we think of, it’ll appear and destroy us. If we think of Gordon Ramsay then Gordon Ramsay will appear and destroy us.

The team takes a moment to shake off that nightmarish thought.

Captain Heartburn: Empty your minds.

Grazer: The choice has been made.

Captain Heartburn: We didn’t choose anything. I didn’t choose anything. (He addresses the rest of the team) Did you choose anything?

The team turns to the guilty-looking Pasta Patroller. 

Captain Heartburn: PP, what did you do?

Pasta Patroller: I didn’t mean to. It just popped in there. I tried to pick something that would never hurt us.

Off screen: A loud roar reverberates.

Pasta Patroller: It’s the mascot for Lovely’s Chicken Farm. It’s Sam N. Ella.

(Captain Heartburn smacks Pasta Patroller on the back of the head): You thought something called salmonella would be safe?

Pasta Patroller: Ohhh! I see it now. Yeah.

***

Rocket Ravioli: We only have one option to stop Grazer. We have to cross contaminate.

Captain Heartburn: But, Rocket, you said cross contamination is a bad thing.

Pasta Patroller: Cross contamination? Of course! A full spoilage reversal!

The team sets their microwave blasters to 425 degrees and fires at the killer tomato. They slowly move the beams closer together until they touch. The beams cause Grazer and the mega-giant chicken farm mascot to explode spraying the team with bits of food.

Rocket Ravioli: Is everyone OK?

(Captain Heartburn wiping off the tomato innards the best he can): I’ve been juiced.

END.

Don’t forget to like, follow, and comment!

Until the next wormhole…thanks for reading!

The Hottest Toy of Christmas | Writing Warm-Up (ft. A FNAF Fanfiction)

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The following is a Five Nights at Freddy’s fanfiction. I do not own any rights to the characters. Please consider supporting Scott Cawthon and the games. The jingle tune is similar to one used by MatPat in his FNAF videos.

It’s fun; it’s wow; it’ll haunt your dreams. It’s Nightmare Freddy.

Yes, Nightmare Freddy, the toy on every Crying Child’s Christmas list. Whether they’ve been bitten by a rouge animatronic or have had their soul scooped out so a combination of robots can wear their body like a meat suit, your child will absolutely love this new toy from Fazbear Entertainment. 

Nightmare Freddy comes with everything a parent could want in a child’s toy: sharp claws, jaw bite strength equal to a bear trap, and lots of pieces that’ll fall off causing various choking hazards.

Nightmare Freddy also comes with a nighttime feature where he’ll roam the halls stalking your child.

That’s Nightmare Freddy from the same people who brought you the family-friendly Sexy Chica doll.

Until the next wormhole…thanks for reading.

Smashwords End of Year Sale Dec. 18-Jan. 1

Chapter 16.5 | Writing Warm-Up (ft. A Hermitcraft x The Mandalorian Fanfiction)

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The following is a fanfiction of events in the Hermitcraft series on YouTube and the Disney Plus series The Mandalorian. Please consider showing your support for both by checking out their respective channels or episodes (if possible). The parody names also come from the comments section of their videos.

Note: This was written before the outcome of the Turf War.

See, this is what happens when writers procrastinate writing their own stuff.

Title image for The Scaralorian Fanfiction

Chapter 16.5 The Player Head

Fearing that he would lose the Turf War and never see the glorious return of the Mycelium Resistance, Moff Grian abducted Scar’s Baby Yoda player head. Soon after its abduction, the Scaralorian traveled to Moff Grian’s upside down base in the Nether to discuss terms of release.

“I will give you the Player Head,” said Moff Grian with a wicked smile, “if you’ll build the back of my mansion.”

The terms were unfortunately too high and too impossible for Scar, and he had to leave empty-handed. But, he still had a plan.

The Scaralorian traveled across the server to recruit Bdubs and Cub for an assault on the Mycelium Resistance HQ. Though it looked like a Smurf home, the base was far more deadly thanks to modifications done by Doc.

Once united, the trio recruited Mumbo Jumbo so they could use his flying machine the Redstone I. As Mumbo finished prepping his flying machine, Scar polished his netherite armor and sharpened his netherite sword.

“How are you going to clean your helmet?” asked Bdubs. “You never take it off.”

The Scaralorian simply sighed. 

Soon, they were on their way. The Redstone I slowly inched its way to the mushroom-like base.

“Punch it,” said Scar.

“This is Minecraft,” said Mumbo. “This is as fast as it goes.”

Scar sighed once again.

Two hours later, the raiders arrived at the base. As they drew closer Doc’s security system activated. TNT canons shot at the Redstone I. 

“I’ll go ahead,” said the Scaralorian. “I’ll draw their fire while you make your way there.”

Scar switched out his netherite chest plate for an elytra. Scar leapt from the flying machine and blasted towards the base using a supply of rockets. The Scaralorian expertly dodged the canon fire. Flashes of light exploded around him as the air grew thick with the smell of gunpower. Finally, the air became less turbulent as Scar ducked down into the area under the canon’s range. He landed with a soft thud at the foot of the base. He ignored the nearby button; he wasn’t Moff Grian after all.

About twenty minutes later, the Redstone I arrived. Mumbo hacked the front door thanks to his knowledge of piston doors. However, the group was met by a mob of zombie troopers. The place quickly became a mess of swords, arrows, and rotten flesh…but the zombie troopers kept coming.

“We’re about to be overran,” said Cub in a panic.

Fortunately, Bdubs packed his bed. He placed down the bed and went to sleep. The time changed to day and the zombies caught fire in the sunlight.

With the way clear, the four hermits entered the base. Sitting atop a massive wooden throne was Moff Grian. A parrot with a nametag of Pesky Bird perched on the left armrest. Three dark hermit troopers stood at his side. Impulse, Rendog, and Etho waited wearing Bdubs player heads.

“Why am I here again?” asked Impulse.

“Shh,” said Moff Grian, “you’re not supposed to talk.” He then cleared his throat and faced the Scaralorian and his friends. “I shouldn’t be surprised that you made it this far, Scaralorian, but this is as far as you and your motley grew go…unless you agree to my terms and build the back of my mansion.” Scar stared at Moff Grian without saying a word. “Are…are you narrowing your eyes menacingly? It’s hard to tell with that helmet in the way.” Scar pulled his netherite sword. “Ah, I see that is your answer then.”

With a nod from Moff Grian, the three dark hermit troopers drew their diamond swords. Bdubs, Cub, and Mumbo equipped their iron swords.

“Hermit Challenges!” yelled Mumbo before charging at the nearest foe, who happened to be Etho.

Bdubs and Cub soon followed. The room filled with grunts and clangs as Scar approached Moff Grian. The Scaralorian sliced at Moff Grian with his netherite sword. At the last second, Moff Grian deflected the blow with his own netherite sword; however, it glowed with enchantments.

“Ha!” laughed the Resistance Mother Spore. “Didn’t think I had one of these, did you?”

Moff Grian struck at Scar. Scar blocked it. The two fought, striking and blocking. The swords clashed in bursts of iconic buzzing and crackling sounds. Finally, Scar won the upper-hand and knocked Moff Grian to the floor. 

“Where is Baby Yoda?” demanded Scar.

“He’s over there,” pointed Moff Grian.

Scar turned only for a moment, but that was enough time for Moff Grian to equip his elytra. “You will never find the Player Head!” Moff Grian blasted off using rockets and shot through a hole in the base’s ceiling. A moment later, Scar rocketed after him.

The three dark hermit troopers and the three allies of the Scaralorian stopped fighting once Moff Grian and Scar left. 

Cub faced Impulse; Rendog stared down Bdubs; and Etho met eyes with Mumbo.

“Wanna grab some cake while we wait this out?” asked Etho.

“Yeah, sure,” said everyone.

Moff Grian soared over the shopping district with the Scaralorian in hot pursuit. The two danced around buildings and shot down alleyways. They weaved through small openings and rocketed passed a couple of shopping hermits who nearly fell over in the wake of the flyers.

“Ha! Ha!” said Moff Grian. He took a moment to glance backwards in order to better mock Scar. “You’re only second to my flying skills!” He returned his attention to the sky before him only to see a ring from his Turf War mini-game a moment before impact.

“Moff Grian died from terminal karma,” reported the chat.

Moff Grian’s inventory exploded outwards, including the Baby Yoda player head. The items and player head tumbled towards the ground like little meteors. Scar dived towards the helpless Minecraft item block. He hoped his elytra would hold together as he picked up speed. The ground grew closer and closer.

Finally, he retrieved Baby Yoda. He pulled up and soon they were safely back in the air.

The Scaralorian and Baby Yoda returned to the Mycelium base and the Redstone I. Scar thanked Bdubs, Cub, and Mumbo with three diamond blocks each. Then with Baby Yoda in his off-hand, Scar turned and walked into the sunset.

“You know,” said Bdubs, “if we were accurate to the season finale of The Mandalorian, we would have–“

“Hey!” said Impulse. “No spoilers!”

Until the next wormhole…thanks for reading.

Please consider liking and sharing!

Bdubs’ footsteps echoed off the walls of Mumbo Jumbo’s mega-base. Finally, after nearly getting lost, he found Mumbo Jumbo at a lectern. 

“What’cha doing?” asked Bdubs.

“Writing a book,” said Mumbo, finally turning around.

“A book?” said Bdubs. “A Book of Mumbo Jumbo? What’s that about?”

Golden Freddy’s Vengeance | Writing Warm-Up (ft. A FNAF Fanfiction)

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The following is a Five Nights at Freddy’s fanfiction. I do not own any rights to the characters. Please consider supporting Scott Cawthon and the games.

Hi there, it’s me, Security Guard #28. After a hard night of surviving attacks from wonky animatronics possessed by murdered children, I like to sit down with a relaxing cup of Golden Freddy’s Vengeance. It’s just the thing I need to get back out there AND NEVER REST! Thanks to Golden Freddy’s Vengeance, I can keep coming back over and over and over…

Until the next wormhole…thanks for reading.

Click to see how you can purchase books or help support me.

Check out my links!

Be the Salt | Writing Warm-Up

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Are you a MyVideo creator who’s tried everything and still can’t get any views?

Try Blue Light Technologies’ Box O’ Salt. Take a teaspoon 15 minutes before your next recording session and BAM you’re the saltiest person on the server. Watch those views pour in as the salt rains down upon you. 

Not intended for use by non-gamers. Does not guarantee an increase in viewer count. Side effects include: rage quitting, broken controllers, loss of subscribers, hate comments, and dislikes. 

Box O’ Salt, pick it up at your local BLT store and become the Salt you were always mean to be.

Copyright 2020 Joe Rover. All rights reserved.

Until the next wormhole…thanks for reading.

School Wars: A Star Wars Parody

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I just couldn’t help myself. I’m sorry.

ON SCREEN TEXT: Not long ago, in a school district nearby…

A dramatic sting plays.

ON SCREEN TEXT: School Wars

Rousing adventure music plays.

ON SCREEN TEXT: Day 14: A New Arrival

Young substitute teacher, Jake Applegate, arrives at FDR Elementary School. He believes it’ll be another standard day, but he learns he has a far greater destiny…

INT. TEACHER’S LOUNGE, DAY

JAKE APPLEGATE, a substitute teacher, takes a moment to drink some coffee. Suddenly, he hears the sound of squeaking wheels. He faces the door. Standing in the doorway is the infamous and powerful AUDIO VICTOR. The squeaking sound came from his AV cart.

AUDIO VICTOR:

It is time. Time to take you to The Principal. He will finish your training.

JAKE:

I’ve heard of you from the students. You’ll never turn me.

AUDIO VICTOR:

If you only knew the power of the pop quiz.

JAKE:

I’ll never join your ranks.

AUDIO VICTOR:

Yes, you will. I am your teaching assistant.

JAKE:

No! It isn’t true!

AUDIO VICTOR:

You know it to be true. Search your lesson plan.

EXT. PLAYGROUND WASTELANDS, DAY

Jake manages to escape the clutches of Audio Victor, but soon finds himself lost among the deserted lands of the playground wastelands. Not long into his journey he encounters a band of traveling trading card enthusiasts. The fans have made debate student CAL PLOTZ III and gamer RUDY2KNIGHT their slaves. Jake challenges the trading card players. If he wins, the students go free; if he loses, he joins their slave ranks. Fortunately, Jake wins easily. Soon after the match, Jake learns that Rudy2Knight has a message for SUPERINTENDENT JONES from CLASS PRESIDENT LACY. The message accidentally plays when Rudy2Knight sits down and butt dials it.

LACY:

Help me, Superintendent Jones, you’re my only hope.

JAKE:

I don’t know any Superintendent Jones. I do know a Janitor Jones–maybe they’re related.

INT. COMMAND CENTER, DAY

Lacy, soon after texting her message to Rudy2Knight, is captured by Audio Victor. She is then taken to the command center of The Principal’s secret playground base. FIRST TEACHER’S PET HENRY, commander of the Administration’s army of Halltroopers, interrogates her.

HENRY:

Tell us the location of the Class Disruptors’ base or we will use the full power of this battle fort. The Gold Star has the power to fail the entirety of Miss Smith’s third grade class.

LACY:

You can’t!

HENRY:

Watch us.

LACY:

(Sighs) They’re in room one-eighteen.

HENRY:

Excellent. (to Gold Star operators) Target Miss Smith’s class.

LACY:

No! You promised!

HENRY:

You are far too trusting, Class President.

INT. JANITOR’S CLOSET, DAY

JANITOR JONES has rescued Jake, Rudy2Knight, and Cal Plotz III from the Cool Kids–the heroes inadvertently crossed into their territory. After Rudy2Knight plays the message, Jones reveals that he is Superintendent Jones and was once part of the EDUCATOR ORDER and served as part of the SCHOOL BOARD until the night The Principal attacked.

JONES:

The Educators were once a force for peace and learning. Now, we are nearly extinct. (Jones hands Jake a small device. Jake activates it. A large, glowing ruler appears.) It is called a foam ruler, a tool used by the Educators. It is more elagent and less random than a spitball blaster. This one belonged to your TA until he was destroyed by the dark side of The Curriculum.

INT. HALLWAYS OF FDR ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, DAY

Jones, Jake, Rudy2Knight, and Cal Plotz III are in need of transport if they wish to aid Class President Lacy. They figure their best option is the quad area. On their way they are stopped by Halltroopers.

TROOPER 1:

We’re looking for a couple of fugitive dweebs. We need to see your hall passes.

JONES:

You don’t need to see our hall passes. These are not the dweebs you are looking for.

TROOPER 1 (addressing the other Halltroopers):

We don’t need to see their hall passes. These aren’t the dweebs we are looking for. Move along.

JAKE (in shock):

How did you do that?

JONES:

Old Educator mind trick. (smiles) The more you are in tune with the Curriculum the less students question you.

INT. STUDENT QUAD AREA

The quad area, a fun-loving nest of cliques and gossip, is filled with variety of people. A band plays music while some check their social media feeds. Jake and Jones will find sutable aid here. Unfortunately, dweebs such as Cal Plotz III and Rudy2Knight are not allowed and they must wait nearby. Jones and Jake soon meet SAM SOLOACT, a class clown, and his friend MEATHEAD, a football jock.

JONES:

Is your transport fast?

SAM:

Fast? Listen, pal, my vehicle can make the science to gym passing period in a minute thirty-one.

A deal is struck between the two parties. Sam and Meathead remain while Jones and Jake leave to make preparations.

SAM:

This is great, Meat! With this charter, we can finally pay off Bubba the Bully.

MEATHEAD:

Blue 22!

Sam’s victory is short lived as the snitch GLEN arrives to collect the bounty on Sam’s head: 20 jawbreakers. Luckily, Sam dispatches Glen with a well placed spitball from his blaster.

EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT, DAY

Jones, Jake, Rudy2Knight, and Cal Plotz III meet up with Sam and Meathead. Sam introduces the group to his golf cart known as the Eon Hawk. The heroes begin boarding but are soon caught by Bubba’s snitches. Sam turns the key to the golf cart as the snitches pelt it with rocks and spitballs from their slingshots.

MEATHEAD:

Hike! Hike!

SAM:

I know, Meat, I’ll fix the engine tomorrow!

Finally, the golf cart turns over and the heroes flee. The speed of the golf cart is too much for the snitches and they break off their attack.

EXT. PLAYGROUND, DAY

The Eon Hawk escapes the clutches of Bubba the Bully but encounters a group of weeping students. The students of Miss Smith’s class mummer things like, “My parents are going to kill me.” The heroes are confused by the sight.

SAM:

We’ll head for that jungle gym and regroup.

JONES:

That’s no jungle gym.

It is the Gold Star. A large piece of playground equipment meant to look like a jungle gym but more solid and mobile.

SAM:

I bet that’s where we’ll find the class president.

INT. GOLD STAR, DAY

Jake, Sam, Meathead, Rudy2Knight, and Cal Plotz III are able to save Class President Lacy from Detention thanks to Jones deactivating the security features. The group makes their way to the Eon Hawk. Meanwhile, Jones encounters Audio Victor. The two activate their foam rulers and begin their duel. Soon the duel leads them to where the Eon Hawk is parked and to the band of heroes.

AUDIO VICTOR:

You have no hope of defeating me, Old Man.

JONES:

If you flunk me, I will only rise smarter than you can imagine.

Jake moves to help Jones. Jones signals Jake not to interfere. Jones is slapped on the wrists with the ruler.

JAKE:

NOOO! JONES!

Sam and Meathead pull Jake away.

EXT. PLAYGROUND, DAY

After escaping the Gold Star, the heroes are chased by a squad of food fighters. To escape they have no choice but to cross the blacktop where a game of dodgeball is underway.

CAL:

The odds of successfully maneuvering a dodgeball field are one in a million.

SAM:

Never tell me the odds, dweeb. Punch it, Meat!

INT. ROOM 1C, THE CLASS DISRUPTORS’ BASE, DAY

The heroes meet up with the Class Disruptors. Thanks to the rest of the text message on Rudy2Knight’s phone, the Disruptors are able to learn of a weakness in the Gold Star.

DISRUPTOR LEADER:

A single gumball missile into the vent system will destroy the super-weapon.

SAM:

That’s a suicide mission. The vent opening is too small for someone to hit.

The heroes prepare their assault. They prep their slingshot mop buckets, their Segways, scooters, and skateboards. They arm themselves with gumball missiles, slingshot rubber bands, and spitballs. Moments later, the Disruptors learn that the Administration discovered Lacy’s lie about the base’s location and tracked the Eon Hawk to Room 1C. The Gold Star was almost visible from the classroom windows.

EXT. GOLD STAR, DAY

The battle is tougher than expected. Anyone who tries to fire on the vents fails or is nailed with detention slips. Only Jake is left without marks on his permanent record. It pays to be a teacher. Jake makes his run on the Gold Star vent.

JONES (ghostly VO via a video message):

Use the chalk, Jake.

DISRUPTOR PILOT:

Is something wrong, Jake? You’ve turned off the targeting app on your smartphone.

Jake uses a slingshot to launch a piece of chalk into the Gold Star’s ventilation system. The chalk breaks apart sending a cloud of dust throughout the Gold Star. The Halltroopers and Teacher’s Pets choke on the dust. One Halltrooper stumbles and accidentally presses the self-destruct button. The Gold Star is destroyed in a burst of confetti and whipped cream.

INT. MIKE’S MALT SHOP, NIGHT

The Class Disruptors celebrate their victory. It is ice cream, malts, and banana splits all around.

END.

Whew, that was a long one. Hope you enjoyed it.

Until the next wormhole…thanks for reading!

My books are for sale at many online retailers. Or you can help support me by buying me a metaphorical coffee at Ko-fi.

TextTales | Random

JoeRover Odds and Ends , , ,

I was coming up with keywords for an upcoming blog post when I came up with “text tales” which of course made me start singing (to the DuckTales theme song):

Life is like a hurricane

Here on the Internet

Phishing, scams, and follows

It’s a meme blur.

Might make a video

Or finally hit trending

TextTales, whoo-hoo!

Everyday we’re out here making content, for you.

I blame my punny mood on the news about MAD Magazine no longer being on newsstands. They just had to mention “Weird Al” Yankovic.