Contains spoilers. Reader discretion advised.
| Big snake. Bigger laughs. |
[ Who said that? ]
Oh, just some nameless, bodiless, voice.
| You can’t laugh if you can’t breathe. |
[ What? ]
Just ignore him.
| In a world of A.I. slop, one movie dares to rise above… |
I wouldn’t say “rise above.”
| Join Jack Black and Paul Rudd as they contend with the most dangerous force in nature: the mid-life crisis. |
OK, now you’re just getting annoying.
| (in Jack Black’s voice) Would you like it if I imitated Jack Black? |
NO! He’s in enough stuff as is!
| (still imitating Jack Black’s voice) I think I’ll sing. |
Don’t make me hurt you.
| (in normal voice) I’d like to see you try, blue boy. |
Blue boy?
| I am the Narrator! |
(sighs)
| (rock music begins to play) (singing in Jack Black’s voice) In the jungle, there is a snake; if it spots you, your bones it’ll take. Anaconda. Anaconda. Ana-con-daaAAA…AAAHHHHH!!! (sounds of hissing, crashing, then disturbing silence) |
[ What happened? ]
He might be the narrator, but I’m the writer.
Let’s get on with this review.
This reboot, reimagining, whatever of the original Anaconda was definitely more humorous, of course what else do you expect with Jack Black and Paul Rudd in it.
The antagonist anaconda looked awesome. It looked villainous. It looked evil and monstrous. The part where the anaconda is chasing Jack Black (after his friends used him as bait) was wonderful. The way the snake slithered behind Jack Black was freaky. You could feel the malice.
The trained anaconda, the one for the fake movie, looked so cute. I have to hand it to the special effects team; they did an excellent job of making one look evil and one look sweet while still both being snakes.
[ Tell ’em about the cameos. ]
I’m getting there.
I loved how Ice Cube and the rest of the official remake cast get attacked by the snake. They made it seem like this movie was happening in our world, but also not at the same time.
The movie had just the right amount of humor to not make the movie terrifying while having the right amount of horror to not make it overly silly or campy.
The movie was also the right length. I didn’t feel like it dragged. I didn’t feel like, “When is this going to end??!!“
It’s a good movie for people who like some humor with their horror. Those who want nail-bitting, chain-rattling, heart-pounding horror, they might like it. There are a lot of “edge of your seat” action, but it does have a lot of humor.
Anaconda is available to buy or rent, or you can stream it on Netflix.
[ Sigh. ]
What is it?
[ I’m still upset that the snake trainer died. ]
You didn’t watch the credits, did you?
No time for jokes!
From April 1-30, my ebooks will be on sale for $0.99! That’s 16 short stories, anthologies, and novellas to choose from.
So, stock up for the long summer ahead!
| GASP! I’m alive! I made it! Hey, you guys! I made it!…Guys? Where’d you go? Hello? Guys! Unbelievable. Hey, you! You, the one reading this right now. Where’d they go? |
…
| Oh, come on. You can tell me. Bodiless entity to bodiless entity. |
…
| Please! Come on! Just…just leave it in the comments. You can do that. Just a little comment on where they ran off to. Please? I…I don’t like it here. In the void. (whispers) I think the snake’s still here. |
…
| This is not worth $12.99 an hour. They never mentioned this in the narrator want ad. |
Joe Rover 
Leave a comment