School Wars: A Star Wars Parody

I just couldn’t help myself. I’m sorry.

ON SCREEN TEXT: Not long ago, in a school district nearby…

A dramatic sting plays.

ON SCREEN TEXT: School Wars

Rousing adventure music plays.

ON SCREEN TEXT: Day 14: A New Arrival

Young substitute teacher, Jake Applegate, arrives at FDR Elementary School. He believes it’ll be another standard day, but he learns he has a far greater destiny…

INT. TEACHER’S LOUNGE, DAY

JAKE APPLEGATE, a substitute teacher, takes a moment to drink some coffee. Suddenly, he hears the sound of squeaking wheels. He faces the door. Standing in the doorway is the infamous and powerful AUDIO VICTOR. The squeaking sound came from his AV cart.

AUDIO VICTOR:

It is time. Time to take you to The Principal. He will finish your training.

JAKE:

I’ve heard of you from the students. You’ll never turn me.

AUDIO VICTOR:

If you only knew the power of the pop quiz.

JAKE:

I’ll never join your ranks.

AUDIO VICTOR:

Yes, you will. I am your teaching assistant.

JAKE:

No! It isn’t true!

AUDIO VICTOR:

You know it to be true. Search your lesson plan.

EXT. PLAYGROUND WASTELANDS, DAY

Jake manages to escape the clutches of Audio Victor, but soon finds himself lost among the deserted lands of the playground wastelands. Not long into his journey he encounters a band of traveling trading card enthusiasts. The fans have made debate student CAL PLOTZ III and gamer RUDY2KNIGHT their slaves. Jake challenges the trading card players. If he wins, the students go free; if he loses, he joins their slave ranks. Fortunately, Jake wins easily. Soon after the match, Jake learns that Rudy2Knight has a message for SUPERINTENDENT JONES from CLASS PRESIDENT LACY. The message accidentally plays when Rudy2Knight sits down and butt dials it.

LACY:

Help me, Superintendent Jones, you’re my only hope.

JAKE:

I don’t know any Superintendent Jones. I do know a Janitor Jones–maybe they’re related.

INT. COMMAND CENTER, DAY

Lacy, soon after texting her message to Rudy2Knight, is captured by Audio Victor. She is then taken to the command center of The Principal’s secret playground base. FIRST TEACHER’S PET HENRY, commander of the Administration’s army of Halltroopers, interrogates her.

HENRY:

Tell us the location of the Class Disruptors’ base or we will use the full power of this battle fort. The Gold Star has the power to fail the entirety of Miss Smith’s third grade class.

LACY:

You can’t!

HENRY:

Watch us.

LACY:

(Sighs) They’re in room one-eighteen.

HENRY:

Excellent. (to Gold Star operators) Target Miss Smith’s class.

LACY:

No! You promised!

HENRY:

You are far too trusting, Class President.

INT. JANITOR’S CLOSET, DAY

JANITOR JONES has rescued Jake, Rudy2Knight, and Cal Plotz III from the Cool Kids–the heroes inadvertently crossed into their territory. After Rudy2Knight plays the message, Jones reveals that he is Superintendent Jones and was once part of the EDUCATOR ORDER and served as part of the SCHOOL BOARD until the night The Principal attacked.

JONES:

The Educators were once a force for peace and learning. Now, we are nearly extinct. (Jones hands Jake a small device. Jake activates it. A large, glowing ruler appears.) It is called a foam ruler, a tool used by the Educators. It is more elagent and less random than a spitball blaster. This one belonged to your TA until he was destroyed by the dark side of The Curriculum.

INT. HALLWAYS OF FDR ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, DAY

Jones, Jake, Rudy2Knight, and Cal Plotz III are in need of transport if they wish to aid Class President Lacy. They figure their best option is the quad area. On their way they are stopped by Halltroopers.

TROOPER 1:

We’re looking for a couple of fugitive dweebs. We need to see your hall passes.

JONES:

You don’t need to see our hall passes. These are not the dweebs you are looking for.

TROOPER 1 (addressing the other Halltroopers):

We don’t need to see their hall passes. These aren’t the dweebs we are looking for. Move along.

JAKE (in shock):

How did you do that?

JONES:

Old Educator mind trick. (smiles) The more you are in tune with the Curriculum the less students question you.

INT. STUDENT QUAD AREA

The quad area, a fun-loving nest of cliques and gossip, is filled with variety of people. A band plays music while some check their social media feeds. Jake and Jones will find sutable aid here. Unfortunately, dweebs such as Cal Plotz III and Rudy2Knight are not allowed and they must wait nearby. Jones and Jake soon meet SAM SOLOACT, a class clown, and his friend MEATHEAD, a football jock.

JONES:

Is your transport fast?

SAM:

Fast? Listen, pal, my vehicle can make the science to gym passing period in a minute thirty-one.

A deal is struck between the two parties. Sam and Meathead remain while Jones and Jake leave to make preparations.

SAM:

This is great, Meat! With this charter, we can finally pay off Bubba the Bully.

MEATHEAD:

Blue 22!

Sam’s victory is short lived as the snitch GLEN arrives to collect the bounty on Sam’s head: 20 jawbreakers. Luckily, Sam dispatches Glen with a well placed spitball from his blaster.

EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT, DAY

Jones, Jake, Rudy2Knight, and Cal Plotz III meet up with Sam and Meathead. Sam introduces the group to his golf cart known as the Eon Hawk. The heroes begin boarding but are soon caught by Bubba’s snitches. Sam turns the key to the golf cart as the snitches pelt it with rocks and spitballs from their slingshots.

MEATHEAD:

Hike! Hike!

SAM:

I know, Meat, I’ll fix the engine tomorrow!

Finally, the golf cart turns over and the heroes flee. The speed of the golf cart is too much for the snitches and they break off their attack.

EXT. PLAYGROUND, DAY

The Eon Hawk escapes the clutches of Bubba the Bully but encounters a group of weeping students. The students of Miss Smith’s class mummer things like, “My parents are going to kill me.” The heroes are confused by the sight.

SAM:

We’ll head for that jungle gym and regroup.

JONES:

That’s no jungle gym.

It is the Gold Star. A large piece of playground equipment meant to look like a jungle gym but more solid and mobile.

SAM:

I bet that’s where we’ll find the class president.

INT. GOLD STAR, DAY

Jake, Sam, Meathead, Rudy2Knight, and Cal Plotz III are able to save Class President Lacy from Detention thanks to Jones deactivating the security features. The group makes their way to the Eon Hawk. Meanwhile, Jones encounters Audio Victor. The two activate their foam rulers and begin their duel. Soon the duel leads them to where the Eon Hawk is parked and to the band of heroes.

AUDIO VICTOR:

You have no hope of defeating me, Old Man.

JONES:

If you flunk me, I will only rise smarter than you can imagine.

Jake moves to help Jones. Jones signals Jake not to interfere. Jones is slapped on the wrists with the ruler.

JAKE:

NOOO! JONES!

Sam and Meathead pull Jake away.

EXT. PLAYGROUND, DAY

After escaping the Gold Star, the heroes are chased by a squad of food fighters. To escape they have no choice but to cross the blacktop where a game of dodgeball is underway.

CAL:

The odds of successfully maneuvering a dodgeball field are one in a million.

SAM:

Never tell me the odds, dweeb. Punch it, Meat!

INT. ROOM 1C, THE CLASS DISRUPTORS’ BASE, DAY

The heroes meet up with the Class Disruptors. Thanks to the rest of the text message on Rudy2Knight’s phone, the Disruptors are able to learn of a weakness in the Gold Star.

DISRUPTOR LEADER:

A single gumball missile into the vent system will destroy the super-weapon.

SAM:

That’s a suicide mission. The vent opening is too small for someone to hit.

The heroes prepare their assault. They prep their slingshot mop buckets, their Segways, scooters, and skateboards. They arm themselves with gumball missiles, slingshot rubber bands, and spitballs. Moments later, the Disruptors learn that the Administration discovered Lacy’s lie about the base’s location and tracked the Eon Hawk to Room 1C. The Gold Star was almost visible from the classroom windows.

EXT. GOLD STAR, DAY

The battle is tougher than expected. Anyone who tries to fire on the vents fails or is nailed with detention slips. Only Jake is left without marks on his permanent record. It pays to be a teacher. Jake makes his run on the Gold Star vent.

JONES (ghostly VO via a video message):

Use the chalk, Jake.

DISRUPTOR PILOT:

Is something wrong, Jake? You’ve turned off the targeting app on your smartphone.

Jake uses a slingshot to launch a piece of chalk into the Gold Star’s ventilation system. The chalk breaks apart sending a cloud of dust throughout the Gold Star. The Halltroopers and Teacher’s Pets choke on the dust. One Halltrooper stumbles and accidentally presses the self-destruct button. The Gold Star is destroyed in a burst of confetti and whipped cream.

INT. MIKE’S MALT SHOP, NIGHT

The Class Disruptors celebrate their victory. It is ice cream, malts, and banana splits all around.

END.

Whew, that was a long one. Hope you enjoyed it.

Until the next wormhole…thanks for reading!


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Fortnite Rambling

With everyone doing those “best of the year” blogs, vlogs, tweets, and so on, I figured I might as well do a post about some of the best things I came across in Fortnite. It’s not going to be long since I’ve only been playing it for like four months.

Note: These are not in order of importance or any such thing.

I might as well start with Winterfest. As I said, this is the first Winterfest (Fourteen Days of Fortnite) I’ve dealt with, but from what I’ve heard from others, it has been a good event. First, Epic Games gave everyone two free skins–according to others, they’ve never done that.

Then there was the introduction to dynamic weather. Every ten minutes or so, a snowstorm hits the map; and depending on the strength, it can make it impossible to see anything. I liked this addition and hope they’ll do more weather events; it made the game even more suspenseful.

The last part of Winterfest I wanted to mention was the XP fireplace. In the Winterfest lodge you can stand by the fire and gain random bits of XP. You can get 10, 20, or 1,000. I’ve heard rumors of 5,000. It’s also nice to just sit back, relax, drink some hot chocolate, and watch the fire.

The next item on the list is the Star Wars event. It was awesome to see a special scene from The Rise of Skywalker. The Whisper glider is also nice.

Of course, I have to mention the lightsabers. It is so fun grabbing a lightsaber and chasing down a foe. I like that you can block with it (kind of wish this was a standard feature–I suppose building the walls is a way of blocking).

I like how the lightsabers are powerful but not OP. You can’t use them in the water–found that out the hard way–and while they are cool to look at in the night/snowstorm, it also announces your location to everyone. Also, if people know you have a lightsaber, they’ll come after you in force trying to take it away. Finally, you have to get in close. It is not a range weapon, which can be difficult and dangerous at times.

But on the plus side, you can do an awesome combat/dodge roll. And did I mention the ability to block?

Next on the list deals with two challenges. One was to make it into the top 5 for Squads while the other was make it into the top 10 for Solo–not once, but three times for each mode. I figured that would never happen. But, I managed to; and it was stressful. The whole time I just knew someone was going to eliminate me when I was at 11.

I managed to do it by staying out of the named landmarks and away from places used in challenges; I avoided people as much as I could. I also stuck as close to the edge of the storm as I could–people tend to stay away from it. I also made use of the hiding spots, like the porta potty. My controller was almost completely covered in sweat by the time I was done.

Some of the best moments, however, were not part of a challenge or event. At one point, I lingered outside the safety circle too long and got caught in the storm. I had to run a good portion of the map in the storm, but I managed to escape with one point of health remaining thanks to having tons of bandages.

Another time, I learned that you can get umbrella gliders. I kept trying to get one for months and finally did. Why would I care? Simple. So, I could say, “I’m Mary Poppins, yo!” Ah, it’s the simple things in life.

Do you have any favorite moments from 2019? It doesn’t have to be gaming related. Let me know in the comments below.

Until the next wormhole…thanks for reading and have a great year.

Rambling I Am Hmm

I planned to do a joke illustration/comic of Baby Yoda opening a Christmas present that contained a lightsaber package that said, “For ages 300 and up.” But then I began to wonder, “What would be the age equivalent for Yoda’s species?” I figured it would make sense to do 300 for three for simplicity’s sake. I was content with this idea until I watched The Empire Strikes Back.

On opening week, I watched Rise of Skywalker. Afterwards, I thought it would be fun to watch all the movies in episode order. So far I’ve made it from Phantom Menace to Return of the Jedi. During The Empire Strikes Back, Yoda mentions to Luke that he’d been teaching people to become Jedi for 800 years. In Return of the Jedi, Yoda says that he is about 900 years old. I then was reminded of a Film Theory video by The Flim Theorists about Baby Yoda being the last of the species because their maturing cycle is too long for effective reproduction. I started wondering what would Yoda’s aging cycle be like?

So, we know that he’s been teaching Jedi for 800 of his 900 years. This means that he must have been an adult (or close to adulthood) at 100 because it is doubtful he had a Padawan while still a youngling. As far as I know, they take on a Padawan soon after becoming a Jedi Knight. They’ve got to be mature enough to be one at this point. We also know that in The Mandalorian, Baby Yoda (regardless of clone or not) is 50 years old. So we have 50 years unaccounted for. I’m also going to assume Yoda was rounding when he said 800 because he also spent about 20 years in exile after the Republic fell (supposedly Luke and Leia were in their 20s). So Baby Yoda has (give or take) about 50 years to go from Baby Yoda to Adult Yoda.

Depending on when The Mandalorian takes place, we could see an adult or near adult “Yoda” in the next Star Wars movies. To me it sounds like Mandalorian takes place soon after Return of the Jedi. The First Order is barely a rumor and word about the Jedi returning hasn’t reached Mando–he has no clue what a Jedi is. According to the Internet (and we know how reliable that is), the Rey trilogy takes place 30 years after Return of the Jedi, so that is 30 years that Baby Yoda is growing. We could very well see Padawan Yoda.

Anyway, all this math brought me back to the Film Theory video. In it, MatPat talks about how defenseless babies are. Baby Yoda doesn’t seem completely defenseless; we’ve seen him use Force powers and bite. I then started thinking about animals. Many animals are born with defenses that they grow out of: spots to blend in or a smell that makes them “invisible” to predators. I thought how weird is it that people babies don’t have this. We don’t have camouflage that we grow out of as we age. Part of this is because we are predators and don’t need protection as much. But, it got me thinking that maybe the reason Yoda’s species is so good with the Force is because they have such a long aging cycle. Nature needed to balance out their long childhood with something so that they could reach adulthood and reproduce. Enter the Force.

This long childhood also allows them to practice more, thus becoming even better.

It then got me wondering if being a Force user is some kind of self-defense for babies. The Jedi are constantly going on about someone being too old and having to unlearn what they’ve learned. Maybe that’s the reason they start training so young: to get them using their talents before they age out of it. We see Baby Yoda using the Force to protect himself or the others in the group.

I then began asking myself do we have something as babies that we “grow out of”? I came up with *cue the SpongeBob meme* imagination. As little kids we see magic in the world but eventually grow out of it. However, some, such as artists and inventors, don’t quite lose all of it. And how many times have we seen it where kids seem to know things they shouldn’t. Maybe if we encourage kids to keep dreaming, we could evolve into Force users. Maybe that’s why no one seems to know Yoda’s species because they are evolved humans. Spooky.

Do you think we could see soon see an older Baby Yoda? Do you think he could be the star of the next trilogy or just a side character? Let’s talk in the comments below.

Until next wormhole… thanks for reading!


Until Jan. 1 many of my books will be on sale during the Smashwords End of Year Sale. Check out which are available here.

What Did Finn Want to Say | Theory

May contain spoilers of Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

During the Rise of Skywalker movie, Finn says that he needs to tell Rey something before they are about to die. They end up not dying and Rey asks what he wanted to say. He says that it isn’t important or he’ll tell her later. For the rest of the movie, Poe keeps asking Finn what he was going to say. Turns out, the audience doesn’t find out either–unless there was an end credit scene I missed.

At first, I thought it was just kind of a throw away joke; but when Poe kept asking, I started to think there was something more. The writers kept reminding the audience that Finn wanted to tell Rey something. It is likely that it was something important if they are giving up dialogue time for it. One extra time can be seen as a joke, but over and over becomes a sign.

My first reaction was that he wants to tell her he loves her. It seems natural; they met when the adventure began. Finn’s arrival is what began the whole trilogy. Normally, the male and female lead would end up together. But, Finn is in love with Rose.

The next possibility is that Finn is Rey’s brother/cousin. Finn was taken and raised to be a Stormtrooper. He could be related in some way. But seeing as we finally see Rey’s parents it is unlikely he is a blood sibling–but that doesn’t rule out adoption or a cousin. Personally, I hope they don’t do this. The surprise family relation thing has been done to death with Star Wars.

Another possibility, and the one I think is most likely, is that Finn wanted to tell her he is a Force user. In the first movie, it seems that Finn is the Jedi we are looking for. The music and cinematography for the battle between Finn and the First Order trooper when Finn activates the lightsaber seemed to suggest Finn is “the one.” Then throughout Rise of Skywalker, Finn pauses and does that staring-off-into-space thing that Force users do before they say something. Finn would look off into the distance and say that Rey was in danger. Sounds like something a Force user would say, doesn’t it. The ending with Rey’s lightsaber–specifically the symbolism of the color–would suggest that she is going to find other Force users and train/protect them; she could possibly be starting with Finn.

During the film, the Force Ghosts of the others Jedis say that Rey carries their history in her. The movie could be suggesting by this statement and her saber color that she will be a guardian, not a battlefield Jedi. Also, who her family is suggests that she will be a leader and not the “on the ground” hero in the next set of movies/series.

It seemed to me that they were hinting at Finn being the focus in the next saga.

What do you think? Could Finn be a Force user? Or is his secret something else? Let me know in the comments below.

Until the next wormhole…thanks for reading.


Until Jan. 1 many of my books will be on sale during the Smashwords End of Year Sale. Check out which are available here.